These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
