If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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