It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
