The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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