3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i think my tv is drunk
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize