She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
