Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
