Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
