i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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