I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize