I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
