Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize