3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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