i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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