I skipped work to stalk him.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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