I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
