My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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