I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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