Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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