This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
