I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
