my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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