After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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