so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize