the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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