i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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