just come out here and I will go home with you...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
