WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
