So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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