meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
