who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
