you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
