I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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