Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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