I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
