I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My ATM looks so different sober.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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