your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
