he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
