I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
