I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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