My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize