It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
