he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
