sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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