I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
