just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
