just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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