Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
