So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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