i just snorted my name. best moment ever
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
