God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
