It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
