Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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