We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Help. Why am I so naked?
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