Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
