I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
