I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
