There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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