Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize