I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
