Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
