You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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