My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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