I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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