guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
