I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
