just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
