Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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