Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
