I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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