Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
